IF ONLY THEY WOULD...

Have you ever noticed that there are those who no matter what is being done or said, can always find something wrong? And having a conversation or being in relationship with them is like tip-toeing through a mind field, with bombs planted everywhere. And where the last word is always theirs and it is always how you could have, should have done something better or different. Have you ever felt numb, empty or devalued after talking to or even being in the company of these kind of people. Have you ever thought that things would be better or easier if only they would… Well guess what, they wont!

Yes I’m referencing to dealing with difficult or toxic people. You know the ones who sometimes pretend to friends or those overgrown toddlers that show as a parents, siblings, wives, husbands, coworkers, bosses. Those people in our lives that you just can not get along with, and you can not shoot, and you think life would be so much sweeter if only they would… Well like I said, they’re not likely to. So then what possible purpose could relationships with these people serve in our lives? For, though we may spend time trying to figure out what their problem is, the reality, or at least as I see it is, it’s not about them, it’s about us.

I believe that everything in our lives is about us, every thing and every one that we encounter is in some way great or small there to show us, teach us or push us onto higher ground. Yeah, I imagine you are wondering what your toxic girlfriend knows about higher ground, when she cant even handle the lowlife she’s dating. And your thinking that your relationship would be more peaceful if only you didn’t have to hear about it, if only she would not monopolize every conversation. But might I suggest you think about it this way. If you’ve identified this about her, you’ve also identified options for yourself. For every time we might say or think if only they would…..we have the opportunity to do or be what ever it is that we are sure would make the world a better place.

Let me share with you a little story;
Once upon a time there was a women who ended a very bad relationship with her very argumentative boyfriend. Though she was sure that it was his insecurities flaring up, this knowledge did not keep her from being pulled into his drama. She often though, if only he would grow up! If only he would shut up! If only he would leave me alone. Well none of those things were in his plans, eventually realizing this, she left him. She made a vow to her self no more drama! And then she met Mr. Drama with a capital D, now of course he didn’t show up that way, she’d have been far too smart to fall for that, what with her declaration of drama-free relationships. No, It took about a month or so and by that time she was hooked. So she thought to herself, having made this promise of drama-free relationships, “how on earth did she end up in another one.” Then she realized that it was an opportunity for her to confirm her deceleration. Every time she herd herself think if only he would… she realized he wouldn’t and that it was up to her.

She, over time grew to appreciate both of these relationships that pushed her past the point of ever again putting up with such nonsense, for she learned once and for all the valuable lesson behind the thought. In only they would…..and that is whether they do or don’t is on them. But every time we identify another’s perceived short coming, we are given the opportunity to grow a little more by showing up in the way we wish they would.
The End

So you see this is what I know so far;
Those with whom we assemble, we eventually began to resemble! Who we are - our very essence - is continually being transformed by the messages we receive and the company we keep. “If only they would…” Well, don’t hold your breath. Relationships are a two party dance and every time we think, say or feel if only they would… We have an opportunity to take the lead.

HE

He often sat quietly watching us with a look on his face that to this day I still couldn’t describe. He worked hard, thought much, and seems more often than not, lost within himself. He stands tall, and on his lap was the safest place in the world to me. I loved him but I’m not sure I ever really knew him. I do know however what he did. He took care of his family. He combed my hair and on my first day of school, and after my mother had made my dress he hemmed it. He did!

I remember watching his hands, too big to hold the needle. But he did it, and then those same big hands held mine and walked me to school. I held on tight not wanting to be left alone and though he had to let go, he didn’t leave. I saw him standing outside the fence watching me. Protecting me. And because he did, I was able to go on. I’ve never stopped going because he was always there watching out for me and protecting me, even to this day. But he wasn’t the only one watching. I’ve watched him too, and in my watching, I’ve seen him change. I did not know that he was still growing up. He has grown into the most amazing man I know. With energy to do what I could not. He is amazing, and still I would have to say that I’m not really sure that I know him.

What motivates him? What makes him happy? What makes him sad? What is he thinking? What is he afraid of? Who is he, really?

Maybe a daughter could not know. But I’ll tell you what I do know. Fathers are necessary. Fathers are a integral part of a family, often times giving up their own dreams for those of their families. Putting away those things of youth in order to ensure the success and stability of the family. He did that for us. Many do that for theirs. Have you thanked your father lately?

I suspect that some fathers may be the most misunderstood member of the family, getting caught up in the attempts to prove strong in the face of what ever challenges. Trapped by societal belief of what a man should and should not be, how a man should and should not act. Sometimes feeling outsourced by the changing role of women. The looming role of mothers. But how are they, what are they?
Let us examine him for he has is defined in many ways. He could be a:

Birth father
Surprise father
Teenage father/youthful father
Non-parental father
Sperm Donor father
Single Father - as a matter of fact the number of fathers solely responsible for the care of their children is growing at a rate almost twice that of single mothers. Fully one-fifth of single parents today are single fathers -- more than 2 million of them.

And then there are,
Non-biological fathers
Step-fathers
Father-in-law
Adoptive fathers
Foster fathers
Cuckolded fathers - where child is the product of the mother's adulterous relationship.
Social fathers - where man takes de facto responsibility for a child.

But call them what you will, their importance is with out question.
Studies have conclusively shown that children who receive love, attention and interaction from their fathers are healthier and better adjusted. Fathers who take an active role of the raising of their children bring positive benefits in a way that no other person is as able to bring. These children often display higher IQs, better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement. The influence of a nurturing father's involvement with his children often result in a sense of self-confidence for the child which extends into adolescence and throughout life.

The idea for creating a day for children to honor their fathers began in Spokane Washington. By A woman named Sonora Smart Dodd. In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June.

So on today, on Father’s Day, and all days of my life I shall honor my father, for he was there, he is amazing, he is a mystery, he is my daddy and because he is, I am.

THE BEAT OF A DISTANT DRUM

How would you describe yourself? Do you do, or have you done what was expected of you? Do you wake up on the right side of the bed. Do you dress in the right way, get in the right car parked in the right driveway of the right street and drive it to the right job? Would you describe yourself as a person who went along with the flow or do you constantly find yourself going against the grain?Dancing to the beat of a distant drum.

Now this is not a question of judgment, I’m simply curious.
Many people live their lives in the quote-unquote right way. But there are those who live their lives doing things that other people wouldn’t, couldn’t, and quite possibly shouldn’t do. And they do it with rhythm. Might that be you?

Well if you are not doing your own thing, dancing your own dance. If you are living your life on someone else’s prescription, if for example you are what your family wanted you to be, versus the call in your heart, if you are someone who behaves or thinks in a socially acceptable or expected ways, you are according to my research a conformist. Now this is not the worst way to be I suppose. Living a life that some else has planed could feel a little less threatening and it certainly keeps you from being a threat.

But what if one day, you herd the music playing and felt an urge to dance or sing or create, to break free from the pack in a society which would have none of that. What do you do then? Would you, could you allow yourself the freedom to dance? I’m just curious.

I guess to be sure we should examine those who hear the beat of the distant drum, those who’s hips move freely. Let us take a look at those who reject the flow, the conforms of society, those who move against the grain. These people are called many things, for their behavior is often not condoned. They are labeled eccentric, rebellious, nonconformist and trouble makers. But these are the people who open doors. These are the ones who chart new courses, for they are also free thinkers, artists and visionaries. They make others nervous as their hips move freely, as they dance to the beat that others can not hear.

Again I’ll ask, Where do you fall, are you going with the flow or are you dancing to the beat of the distance drummer?

I’ve been dancing my entire life and cant imagine a life without the rhythm of the distant drum. I cant imagine living any other way, for I have found the most amazing gifts on the less crowded dance floor of life or shall I say the paths less traveled. In other words I did it my way.
But lets talk about that for a minute, for this does not mean that my steps are without order. This does not mean that I answer to no one. It simply means that I answer to no flesh. Instead I listen for the beat of the drum, knowing well the drummer. For you see going against the grain creates a certain rhythm within itself, offering a connectedness to spirit. While dancing with no rhythm… well we wont go there…and there is no need when the drummer’s beat is constant.

Dancing to the beat of the distance drum is not the easiest way. You are often met with resistance, disapproval, or a basic lack of understanding. But those who hear the beat and on keep on dancing are the healthiest people I know. For they are often living a rich and rewarding life, the one's they were meant to live.
What are you doing for the rest of your life?
Might I invite you to a dance. I know the most amazing drummer who never misses a beat.